on breastfeeding: it ain't for chumps.

i knew when making the commitment to breastfeed that is wasn't going to be easy. i'd know a handful of women that went it motherhood with the best intentions to breast feed but despite great efforts were unable to do it. i'd also seen women grimace with pain when those sweet little mouths latched on to a seriously sensitive part of the body and sucked like a dyson.

i remember saying to a friend who had had a baby the year prior: "i mean really, how exactly does it work? you push this baby out and then they latch onto your boob and suck and suddenly there is milk?" i was mystified.

it was in fact not easy for me. my nipples hurt like crazy. whoever spread that rumor that if it hurts you are doing it wrong is crazy. (and mean in my opinion. i feel like it sets women up to fail.) i mean, yes, when the latch is perfect (now months later) it is not painful (though i still wouldn't say the sensation is "pleasant" 100% of the time). but very often the latch is imperfect in the beginning. you and the child are learning how exactly to breastfeed and it is not an exact science.

moreover, different bodies react differently to the process. i feel like i've seen it all - engorgement, dysfunctional latching needing nipple shields, clogged milk ducts (many!), milk blebs, blood blisters (yes, on my nipples), i swear i've even had a mastitis though it seemed to go away on its own if that is possible. i've been blessed with an (over) abundance of milk that took months to equalize so i was very often pumping to relieve the pressure. it helped build up my supply and gave me a nice volume of reserves, but geez - i was tired of waking up drowning in breast milk!

but ultimately, it's been worth it. not only is it satisfying to know that i am giving my child the nutrition that is the best and made especially for him, but there is a moment of peace and serenity when he is latched well and nursing and cups my breast with both hands, looking up at me with his green-brown eyes. that look. it is hard to describe. love, admiration, connection, peace, and joy all in one look. it's been a process but i feel myself only further mystified and obsessed with it.

i give special thanks to our lactation consultant who we didn't see in the hospital (though we should have - the #1 piece of advice i would give to new moms is to be sure to spend some time with the LC when in the hospital, even if you think things are going well). we had to return to see her a couple days later when i was so engorged that Charley couldn't latch and i was literally spoon feeding him expressed breast milk. scary. friends and family have been incredibly supportive too, yielding late night calls and withholding their bad news to help support me. and dave, of course, dave. for the support and encouragement and becoming the expert milk duct massager he is to help break up those clogs. oy.

it is hard but so so worth every moment. really. i would do it all again - the good, the bad, and the ugly - in a heartbeat.