on pregnancy...the first trimester +

i have to say it, i love being pregnant. even during the worst part (and as i am in the heart of the third trimester, i might be in it), there is joy.

the first trimester was hard...emotionally. physically i did ok. i was lucky *i know*. i did not suffer from very dehabilitating morning sickness. i did suffer with some really weird symptoms of coughing and vomiting at night (so i did have my share of vomiting) that took me awhile to recognize that it was reflux (much thanks to my mother-in-law, Jen!) but it was scary. i am a worrier - i guess it is in my genes and my nature. i did worry that something would go wrong. but it didn't - and each passing week was more and more reassuring. i found it hard to keep it secret too. this was the right choice for me...in part because of my fears, but it was hard not to shout it from the roof tops. so instead i told my close family and oldest friends, those i knew i would need to rely on if something did go wrong.

we found out in the 12th week during our first ultrasound that i had a fibroid growing. it was one of the moments...i had been feeling something firm and round rising in my abdomen from pretty early on in the pregnancy. all the books and websites we had been scouring said you could not feel the uterus this early on in the pregnancy because it was sitting too low in the pelvis. i kept joking that we were having twins or it was a fibroid. (what is that expression about every joke having some truth in it...even unknowingly.)

it was at my second appointment with the midwives that i totally lost it. balled in front of the midwife we had just met, who would eventually become a real ally and support person for us. i was overreacting really. blame it on the pregnancy hormones. because i did the worse thing you could do in this situation (and yet the thing most people do anyway). i googled.

what were the results:
Miscarriage.
Intrauterine growth restriction.
Pre-term labor.

and on and on and on.

this life that i hadn't yet begun to feel was already in jeopardy. it's amazing to feel so protective of something so intangible so early.

i'm lucky to have a husband who reminded me to be joyful. that we still had so much to celebrate. so with great trepidation on my part, we announced to the world at 13+ weeks, we were pregnant. and my friends and family stepped up to the challenged and dragged me out of my doom and gloom (just as Dave said they would). i began to feel joy and hope again. and excited about where this journey may lead.

soon thereafter we were readily assured that things would likely be ok. i had an MRI which was nearly insufferable, but reassuring. the fibroid was outside of the uterus, above it so it wouldn't interfere with labor, and the placenta was on the opposite side so it would hopefully not disrupt essential blood flow. as good as it can be "given the circumstances" (what a terrible expression).

soon i felt my belly expanding and began to feel the bliss that is the second trimester.